My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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