The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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