woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
