i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
