my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
