Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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