Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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