My sheets look like a crime scene.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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