Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
