I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
