Your face is a jimmy john
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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