Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
