Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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