i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.