I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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