Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
