why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
