Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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