Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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