If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
