Will you blow on my dice?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
