im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
