answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
