is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
