the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
