I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The best revenge is premature balding
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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