Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
