one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
