If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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