i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
