I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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