Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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