you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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