Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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