she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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