Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
