i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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