I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
