I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
