so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
that's an acceptable place to lick
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
