Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
