someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
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She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
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Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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