This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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