i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
