you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
