It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
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I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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