just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
