i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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