tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
