So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
