i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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