you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
