I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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