The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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