my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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