I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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