Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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